Large portions of my
life are viewed as though through a haze, so powerful is the sense of
disjunction between my lives.
I don’t mean to live separate lives, you
understand, but it’s inevitable: it’s a consequence of me following this path
and yet being engaged in work where my spiritual beliefs are not welcome.
For many years, I let the spiritual side of things shrivel – I didn’t lose my faith, but it no longer seemed so intense, so urgent as it had done at the beginning. I realise now what a mistake that was. I look back over the years (not so many, really) and see the ways in which my life could have been more fulfilled, less lonely if I had just made time for the things I used to do. I still spoke to my gods from time to time, and on occasion I even delved briefly back into reading about spiritual matters or discussing them with friends. But it was all superficial, and gradually the spark seemed to die.
Working my way back
into the habits of my path is hard work, but gratifying. Renewing my relationship with the gods has
been a pleasant task, but it seems that coaxing the flame back will be a long,
complex journey:
My life has changed, circumstances
are different – among other things, my exploration can’t be nearly as open and
exuberant as it was when I first started.
Slowly but surely, I am returning to my old patterns and habits, rekindling
the everyday connection I once felt with the world around me.
I have made a good
start, I think: a respectful touch, murmured prayers, little offerings all go a
long way toward rebuilding the relationship.
Just a few days ago I stood with my feet in the ocean and gave honour to
Llanw, to the spirits who dwelt at that place, and to my ancestors over the
sea. But over the years my tools and
practices have eroded away and I find myself with nothing but faith and good
intentions.
I need a rebirth, and
Calan Gaeaf seems a good time for it:
In my previous life,
the Horned God called me, and Mab too.
Do they still want me, after so long away? There seem to be signs, but it has been so
long…I’m not as sensitive to omens as I was, and now I’m so unsure of whether
the thing has power or is just a coincidence…
When the veil thins at
Calan Gaeaf, I will seek them out – if they will have me – and see what they
will say.
But the
preparations!
Not only have many of
my old tools and “treasures” long since drifted away from me but I’m far out of
practice.
Rebuilding of this
sort means more than stones.
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